First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My teenage children choosing violence
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I found your tweet-up…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food