People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Welcome to the stomach
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy