Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
my favorite genre of twitter
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.