I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
#Caturday
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.