I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Based Erika
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Milk Cube