Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Never forget.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.