*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill