Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
🤣🤣🤣
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.