I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Oceanography is all about current events
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.