This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently