shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Breaking news:
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
me working on my assignments ^-^
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.