Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You Might Also Like
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.