Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
You Might Also Like
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
School be like
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Oh we’ve met.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Risking my life for fun.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas