Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
A bold strategy
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.