Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions