[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Admin smashed it 😂
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.