Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
#Caturday
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection