Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
me, too, girl. me, too.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D