[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper