Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
#NoRestForTheWicked