Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*