Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body