[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I have a type: disappointing
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.