WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
WHY would you be happy about this?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.