My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You Might Also Like
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Meeeee too!
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?