Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“no gods no masters” = leo
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.