Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me: