Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing