I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?