Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Gods work.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My first child will be named New Folder.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*