I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You Might Also Like
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise