random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
A double negative is a big no-no.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes