haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle