Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.