I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Great Canadian literature.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.