very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird