May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
meow
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug