[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.