I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Netflix and you sit over there.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?