Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.