Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
can you read it!!??
maan!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.