How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography