[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
You Might Also Like
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet