*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!