I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Guys, I found it.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.