My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this