Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset