MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.