If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.