My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!